Daily Bulletin: 30 Dec 2009

2009-12-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

The Daily Bulletin for: 30 Dec 2009

"82 Ways to be Kicked Out Of Wal-Mart"
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and leaving them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals during the day.
4. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
5. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift-wrap.
6. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
7. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
8. When there are people behind you, walk really slow especially on the narrow aisles.
9. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares” and see what he does.
10. Get several of those frogs that croak when you walk by from the garden department and place them in strategic locations around the store.
11. Play with the automatic doors.
12. Walk up to random people and say, “Hi, I haven’t seen you in a long time etc.” See how they react.
13. While walking through the clothing department, exclaim loudly, “Who buys this junk anyway?”
14. Repeat the previous one in the jewelry aisle.
15. Ride a display bicycle through the store. Claim that you are taking it on a test drive.
16. Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue until they leave.
17. Play soccer with a bunch of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
18. As the cashier runs your purchases through the scanner, look mesmerized and say “Wow. Magic!”
19. Put M&M’s on layaway.
20. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
21. Set up a tent in the camping department. Tell others that you’ll let them come only if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
22. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
23. Ask other customers if they have a gray coupon.
24. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “I’m Batman. Come, Robin, to the Bat-cave.”
25. TP as much of the store as possible.
26. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
27. Play with the calculators so that they all say “hello” upside down.
28. When someone asks if you need help, cry and scream “Why won’t you people leave me alone?”
29. Make up nonsense products and ask new employees if they have them in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples?”
30. Take up an entire aisle in the toys section by creating a battle between G.I. Joes and X-Men.
31. Take bets on the battle described above.
32. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
33. Dart around the store suspiciously while humming the theme, “Mission Impossible”.
34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
35. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags, against their will.
36. Say things like “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
37. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
38. Two words: “Marco Polo”.
39. Leave Cheerio’s in Lawn & Garden, pillows in the Pet Care aisle, etc.
40. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics while head-banging and playing air guitar to Willie Nelson demos. (Bonus: Braid hair and wear a bandanna on head.)
41. Make a trail of lemonade on the ground, leading to the restroom.
42. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, take it without a word.
43. Relax in the patio section until you get kicked out.
44. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream “No! It’s those voices again!”
45. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
46. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax with a drink.
47. Turn on toys that make noise or talk randomly and place them throughout the store.
48. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
49. Nonchalantly “test” the combs and brushes in Cosmetics.
50. When two or three people are walking in front of you, run between them shouting “Red Rover!”
51. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to pick your nose.
52. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbies.
53. While handling guns in the gun department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
54. While no one’s watching, quickly switch the men’s and women’s signs on the restrooms.
55. While in the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
56. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse say, “Pick me! Pick me!”
57. Beg the greeter for those happy-face stickers. Stick them on your face, then stand next to him and copy whatever he does when a customer walks in.
58. Go to an empty check-out stand and try to check people out.
59. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly saying, “Good girl, good Bessie.”
60. Try on every pair of shoes in the shoe department. Throw the paper from the shoeboxes in random aisles.
61. Go outside to the payphones, call the store and ask them to page “Hugh G’butt”
62. Crawl around on the floor and pretend that you’re a cat.
63. Take a chair to Electronics, turn all the T.V.s to Young and the Restless and begin sobbing.
64. Chase your friends up and down the aisles with the electronic cars. Tell your friends to act like they don’t know you.
65. Ride the little rides for toddlers. If a little kid comes over and wants to use it, begin sobbing.
66. Excessively use things that say “Try me!”
67. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
68. Draw moustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
69. Walk up to customer service and say, “Hello, I’ll have a Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries and a drink.” Then go to McDonald’s and try to return a toaster.
70. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people asking where the rash cream and lice remedies are.
71. When alone, have loud conversations with your “multiple personalities”.
72. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ten.
73. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the store.
74. Stand in the sock aisle and give each package a stern lecture.
75. Spend hours looking at blinking lights and say “blink” when they blink. Don’t look away.
76. In the Garden department, skip through the floors while holding out your arms and buzzing.
77. With friends, have a party in the beanbags in the furniture aisle.
78. Stand next to a mannequin and pretend to be a mannequin.
79. Ask everyone in Electronics “Do you know what song this CD is on? I know the song but I don’t know the name. It goes like this.” Then sing loudly until you’re thrown out.
80. Bark while trying on dog collars. Have a friend lead you around on a leash.
81. Walk through the store and talk loud enough for everybody to hear saying, “I bet they have better prices at Target.”
82. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle whouting, "Go, Pikachu, go!"

The Daily Bulletin

2009-12-30T14:08:00.001-08:00

Well, due to being far too bored and having far too much time on my hands, I am working on a "Daily Bulletin" with interesting things for people who care enough to read it. Today's should be up shortly.